COVID has been rough on everyone.

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Older adults, in particular, have endured endless months of isolation to protect themselves from the virus. At what cost? I fear that some older adults, including my mother, have suffered from lack of social stimulation and routine more than if they had gone out with protective masks. With less reason to go out, there was regression in mental acuity and physical strength. We are now trying to unwind the unintended consequences of prolonged self-isolation. But, it hasn’t been an easy road.

At 82, my dad is 5 years older than my mom. He kept playing tennis with his buddies multiple times a week and he continued to paint, one of his greatest passions but he suffers from caregiver fatigue. My mother, born in a time when women focused on everyone but themselves, doesn’t seem to have hobbies or pastimes that bring her joy and routine.

I live an hour from my parents where they reside in my childhood home. I have two young kids so if I visit them I can have a meal and then turn around to come and pick up my kids from school or camp. My sister lives in LA and has a newborn; she has facetimed, sent food / deliveries and dialed into doctor appointments and been our family’s aging advisor.

One day, out of the blue, my dad says “I never wanted to burden you but now I need your help”. That was a wake-up call for all of us.

My sister is a PhD in Psychology, focusing on gerontology. She helped us with an exercise that I think everyone can benefit from.

Instructions: write this down (fill in the parentheses and edit as applicable) and talk about it in a family meeting (zoom, facetime or in person, ideally).

1) We all love each other (this is a given but it feels good to write it and reiterate)

2) We all want to see each other and do what’s best for each other (this seems obvious but it’s actually important to say outloud and write down)

3) But we acknowledge that we have limitations (my parents don’t want to drive to my house since they find it tiring; I have to watch kids; my sister lives far away)

4) What can we do so that we can enjoy our time together within the limits of what we are able to do? (my parents committed to coming 1x per month to stay for a few days so they could enjoy their grandkids more; I committed to setting up the guest room just the way they like it and having food they like eating)

This was how we started.